Birth and death are the only things that are certain in this beautiful, cruel world, and all we can do is make the time in between memorable.
Hunter S. Thompson, who wrote the book Cancer and was a cultural critic, said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the goal of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
In honour of that fun ride and in recognition of the fact that we will all die, we’ve made a list of the most likely causes of death for each sign of the zodiac.
This guide is meant to be funny and is only meant for entertainment.
Read on and have a long life.
This fire sign dies by swinging a baseball bat so hard that it breaks its internal organs, just like Aries hitter Jim Creighton did when he hit a home run that sent him straight to the ground. This sign has a hard time saying no to a dare or a bet, like likely ram Sergey Tuganov, who died of a heart attack after betting a friend $4,000 that he could have sex for 12 hours straight. Coital cardio and the effects of taking an entire bottle of Viagra put the final nail in his coffin.
Taurus is the type of sign that chokes to death on a bag of chips or falls out of bed and dies. This herd’s favourite sin is gluttony, which was shown by the fact that King Adolf Fredrick of Sweden, a royal bull who loved champagne and pastries, ate himself to death on Mardi Gras in 1771.
Gemini are easily distracted and have a scatterbrained mind. They die while trying to do more than one thing at once, like texting their ex, changing the radio station, curling their eyelashes, and crushing up an Adderall while driving.
Cancer is killed by the crushing weight of their emotional baggage, unpaid parking tickets, tattered stuffed animals, sweater collection, and mountain of unmet expectations. They are often too upset to talk about how sad they are.
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Leo is the type of person who would fall off a balcony while trying to nude in a tasteful way. Rulers of the fifth house of fun, there’s a good chance they’ll dance themselves to death like the people of Strasbourg did in the year of our Lord 1518. Marcus Garvey, a Jamaican activist and apex Leo, died of a stroke after reading his own wrong and prematurely published obituary. This may be the most lion-like death ever.
Virgo is always let down by other people and is stuck between wanting to help and wanting to go away. Eventually, Virgo dies of boredom, falls out of a tree, or chokes to death on a herbal supplement and/or their own bitter disappointments.
Libra is killed by the jealous wife or husband of their lover, untreated syphilis, or complications from botched plastic surgery. Venus is the planet of love and luxury, so it makes sense that Libra George Plantagenet chose to drown in a barrel of malmsey wine when he was given the choice of how to die. Big ups to GP for being one of the few Libras who can make a choice.
This is a trick question because a Scorpio never really dies. Instead, they live on through their grudges, hexes, and curses. This is the sign most likely to fake their own death or get away with murder because they are interested in power, practise witchcraft, and rule the eighth house of sex, death, and other people’s money.
Sagittarius is always trying to have a good time and never wants the party or the music to end. Because of this, Sagittarius is killed by a flying champagne cork, dies laughing at their own jokes, or suffocates in a bouncy house that isn’t fully inflated.
Capricorn is hardworking, punishing, and concerned with making money and other kinds of gains. They die by being crushed by a dropped barbell, dying while masturbating on a mattress full of money, killed by a dominatrix they tried to cheat, or killed by a group of angry workers.
It’s hard to kill an Aquarius because they are more alien than humans and have more minds than hearts. Consider Aquarius Gary Hoy, who, like most fixed signs, died while trying to prove a point, or wicked-eyed water bearer/wizard Gregor Rasputin, who was poisoned, shot in the head, repeatedly beaten and castrated before drowning in a frozen river. His pickled d**k has become a part of folklore because people believe it can heal blindness and tell the future.
Pisces is painfully sensitive, loves to run away, and swings wildly between total empathy and nihilism. They live mostly on seawater and ether and either die of boredom or drown in the bathtub.